9/30/01
Day 8-18: A
calmer response
Monday, 9/17 New York is quiet today. It's sadder. Six days have passed
since the event and now reality is setting in deeper. My mind is still
racing to comprehend what happened, but there are no answers. The
complexity of the situation is more daunting than ever. We have to separate
the leaders from the foot soldiers. There are those in positions of power
who will gain by the deaths of citizens, by the declarations of war, by the
increased destruction and disruption of the world economy. If the markets
fall, who will invest? Likely those willing to profit from the destruction,
the same people who would be willing to instigate the destruction. It can
all serve their evil ways. Meanwhile desperate and weak-minded, but strong
willed people are duped into carrying out the will of demons who would guide
their hands to destroy.
Al Carrie brought to my mind that we have been under terrorist attack for a
long time. The whole drug trade that infests our country is a form of
terror. True enough, but this present terror is being perpetrated against us
from outside leaders, by people around the globe who are suffering
enormously. While here at home, desperate people are seeking a way out as
well, although for the most part, they expresses themselves quite
differently however.
We're slowly climbing back into some sense of normalcy. My screenwriting
class today was ready to return to the routine. Students are talked out, it
seems. Myself, I'm still reeling. I shed more tears today. I'm finding it
hard to be normal, and yet, there is nothing else to do but go on. There
will be much more to share in days and weeks to come.
The emotional intensity that has been driving me the last few days is
transforming into a low-grade depression. The steady, continuous pace of
living makes it difficult to sustain the feelings of one moment to the next.
Even as I write this entry, I'm feeling myself flag. The exhaustion that
sets in when emotions run so high is pretty debilitating. People like
myself, are not used to so much
Wednesday, 9/19 I'm attending a Vortex Healing workshop. I was attracted to
it, first because of its name. As I'm doing the five-day intensive, I'm
learning some energetic healing techniques that I was intuitively doing over
20 years ago. These teachers have refined the work to a very high degree.
And although, much of what is being said here hovers just above the
fantastical, I witnessed a healing today that had to be seen to be believed.
The vortex meditation we learned today coincides with a method of chakra
opening that I had stumbled upon myself back in 1980. The practice feels
like coming home to me. I'm glad to be doing this kind of healing work. It
aligns with everything I've been focused on in my Taiji training in terms of
spirals, sensitivity and chi cultivation.
Right now, we're living in a period of increased toxicity where most
everything feels worse. There is so much grief and pain, but, at the same
time, there is a period of grace being visited upon us. We are seeing an
outpouring of kindness and generosity unprecedented in our lives. More
people are talking about compassion than ever before. I'm getting so many
emails from people, who like myself, are compelled to write in an effort to
stave off the call for vengeance. Even politicians are speaking with a sense
of goodness, respect and regard for all the other innocent people of the
world who could potentially be victims of our violence.
Thursday, 9/20 a fire department tow-truck pulled one of the fire chief's
cars down 34th Street. It had been crushed by the collapsing rubble. It was
a twisted wreck. The top had vanished. The steering wheel was mangled. It
was filled with debris. Lord only knows if their were courageous men inside
when the collapse happened. It was a shocking sight, once again driving home
the reality that can be witnessed by the hole in the skyline. We can't
forget. The reminders are everywhere. Police on the street in force. There's
high security blocking off all but the Fifth Avenue entrance to the Empire
State Building. I don't think its observation deck has reopened. Parades of
siren squealing cars, most of them non-emergency vehicles, still race down
every major street.
It's been hard to maintain a sense of peace. Sadness has been great. Anger
has been high. Helplessness and guilt run rampant. David Berman suggested
that I am suffering. I admitted to being disturbed, but have been reluctant
to confess to suffering. Come to think of it though, I am afraid at times,
and that is suffering. Certainly mine is not a a peaceful mind at times.
What I'm attempting to do in these journals is to record my process of
returning to a compassionate and loving heart. With all the emotions I
experience, it is a complicated and sometimes arduous task to find my way
back to the only answer I believe for the current state of the world's
problems. Even as I believe that decided actions must be taken, that
surgical removal of the villains of hatred is necessary, still I believe
that we must find a deeper, farther reaching compassion than ever we have
known as a species. We are at the crossroads in our own evolution. We must
make a choice as to which direction to proceed, not simply as a nation, but
as the human race. We've been building to this moment for a long, long time.
And now, we have arrived at this junction where we can move into greater
light or greater darkness. The tremendous difficulty is to mete out justice
with a strong, firm hand, while mercifully protecting those whose mere
proximity to the evil-doers may bring them our wrath.
In the days and weeks to follow, we will witness the fallout of the
decisions made by our leaders. To find peace and calm, we must look within
ourselves and from a higher ground. We have to recognize that there is more
here than meets the five senses.
When I look out and see only the shadow world of illusion--this temporary
life we inhabit--as the entire realm of the universe, I become afraid. I am
attached to this planet, to this life, to the people and things I love. I
become afraid of being separated from all that I love. But in that moment, I
have forgotten that I am separated from them already. This is why I feel
such anguish. I have also forgotten that, while the corporeal world is an
essential part of my experience, there is more to life and consciousness
than the experience of this body and these times.
I recall, that as a young man, years ago, early in my quest for spiritual
understanding, I was stricken by the profound sadness of my aloneness. For
me this isolation was the heart of my human suffering and grief. Little did
I realize at that time that I had created the separation as soon as I viewed
myself as separate self, as only my ego. In that moment, I stopped realizing
that the unity I sought, was and is the unity that exists beyond the
confines of ego. The unity is here, if I only I can see it. In these times,
it is important to continue to remind myself that there is much more than
what I see and experience.
Love,
Marc